I Still Remember

Almost a year has gone by
Since we were blessed with your presence
Yet we know because of you
What life means, at its essence

I still remember…
The picture of you in the womb
The happiness I felt when I heard existed
The love instantaneous and pure
The heartstrings that pulled and insisted

I still remember…
The appointments and updates
The tiredness and the cravings
The excitement in the air
The planning and the savings

I still remember…
The news of your early arrival
The prayers that went up in your name
The knowledge of the path before you
The feeling things wouldn’t be the same

I still remember…
The drive I took down to see you
And telling myself you’d be fine
Comforting your mom as I could
The feeling that you’re also mine

I still remember…
Washing my hands and preparing
To walk in to see your cocoon
Smiling and praying at the same time
Thinking of the book Goodnight Moon

I still remember…
On that last day a week after your birth
Being blessed to touch your little thigh
Then the feeling of guilt that I’d touched you
And saying goodbye with a sigh

I still remember…
My heart sinking low in rejection
Of hearing that you’d gone from us
No big call, no hoopla, no fighting
You’d left without making a fuss

I still remember…
Your head full of hair
The look on your face
The feel of your skin
The blessings and grace

The smirk that was captured
The soul that I saw
The perfection within
No mishap, no flaw

The heartbreaker embodied
The truth that you brought
As little as you were
You breathed and you fought

The fact that you died
So your sister could thrive
I feel you’re the reason
That she will survive

The love that you brought us
The pain that we feel
The tears I still shed
And don’t care to conceal

I still feel your presence
My sweet little boy
Through the pain in my heart
I vow to feel joy

I will always remember
I will never forget
My dearest Antonio
I am blessed that we met

© 2009

Believer's Prayer

Never a dull moment in life. Blessings received along with the strife. Cannot complain about what to do or what to say. Always find myself down the right way. Being led by something higher than my own, God always holds my hand even when I think I'm grown. Ask for prayers and prayers are received. Even when I stumble, in my heart I have believed.

Prayed for a specific, for a secret deep in my heart. Delivered with a flourish in whole and not in part. Adversities come to mind, sorrows and regrets. But one look at my God and all this I soon forget. Turning to Him now to get me through the path He's placed. Have faith He'll keep His promise and light the road to the dreams I've chased. Though my heart still fills with fears when something starts to go wrong, my God reminds me quietly He'll keep his promise while I keep strong.

© 2008

Loved

In the midst of the night I am loved
Wholly, fully, truthfully and sure
In the breaking of dawn I find happiness
With words of truth that will endure

In the waking of the sun I see your face
Dark and lovely full of all that I seek
In the moisture of the dew I see our future
And the promise of that image makes me weak

In the rising of the heat I see the passion
That’s been there like magnets from the day we met
The way we go together, the way we fit
The connection we make, hard to forget

In the cooling of the shade I see your tenderness
And your willingness and need to care for me
In the quiet of afternoon my guard is down
Naked is my soul for you to see

In the time before the sunset my heart feels fear
Remembering the heartache it’s lived to tell
With eyes closed and perspiration
I quench the need to run and yell

In the minutes of beauty watching the sky
Your arms wrap around me and ease my fear
No need to run no need to hide
Your kiss reminds me you’re always here

In the enveloping darkness I think once more
Of the passing day and the ways I’m adored
Without realizing what you’ve accomplished
The love and the trust you have restored

The midst, the dawn, the sun, the heat
The cool, the setting, the shade, the beat

The beauty, the darkness, the fear, the trust
The passion, the happiness, the heartache, the lust

I am loved, blessed and treasured
And that wealth cannot be measured.

© 2009

Untitled Thoughts

It is not that I lack understanding, rather, I understand a bit too well
That good intentions and vacillations pave the road that leads to hell

It is not that I don’t see the love you feel deep within your heart
Rather that I see the provocations when you and I have been apart

It is not that I am insecure or think myself less than another
But I’ve lived long enough to see what unhappiness can surely smother

It is not that I am beyond comprehending the situation
More like I have seen the silent killer called temptation

It is not that I am blind to you being in demand
I see the value within yourself that you don’t yet understand

Not trying to turn you into something that you do not want to be
Just working with the secret wishes that you have whispered to me

And yet, I see resistance in your actions if not in your voice
Don’t ever want you to feel as if you never had a choice

I also see a secret thought in the blankness of your stare
I am familiar with its figure even though you will not share

It is the silhouette of thoughts being shared by another mind
Who is unhappy and subjective and at times a bit unkind

The seed of doubt being cultivated in the echoes of your thought
Killing all the flowers in your garden after all that you have fought

The trembling hand of negativity creeping in to do its deed
The souls too jealous to admit it and you too blind to see the greed

Upset that another has your ear and can affect the man I know
Not understanding why you’ve allowed this chasm between us to grow

Thought it was us, just you and me fighting the fight and always living
Fear now fills my heart as I take a look at what I’ve been giving…

My heart without expectation other than it be loved and cared
For the first time in a while, I do believe I’m truly scared

So I fight to keep the dream alive as all this slowly unfurled
Questioning now if you believe that it is us against the world

It is not that I wish to leave this soul I always knew I’d find
Just unsure if my love’s enough to be the only in his mind

© 2009

Gone

Unwanted
Rejected
Unneeded
Neglected

Looked after
Perceived
And slowly
Deceived

Others get the looks
The words and the touch
While I slowly wither
And miss you so much

Confused
Upset
Filled with
Regret

Missing
A big clue
Expecting
My due

Here with me
Yet gone
I’m not blind
You’ve withdrawn

© 2009
(Written, January '09)

What you want most...

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now." - Zig Ziglar

Why is it that people trade in what they want most for what they want now? I think most of us understand this because we've either experienced it or have been on the receiving end of this quote. So what can you do to ensure this doesn't happen to you? Nothing.

You can guard your own mind and your own heart to ensure that you never fall into this trap. However, there's no way that you can prevent others from falling into it themselves. Because you can't make people see what they have. And most times, they figure it out too late. Personally, I'm apt to never give a person a chance once they've traded me in for what they thought they wanted. It gives them a character flaw that I can't bear. Scars them for life in my eyes and in an irreparable way.

I am very aware of when I find something or someone precious. And I expect those around me to be able to do the same. I'm not saying I'm this great and wonderful person. I have flaws as everyone does. But the fact that I've seen this mistake made on more than one occasion makes me put the question out there. WHY?

I am a firm believer in "everything comes out in the wash". And if you are not, sit back and wait, believe me you'll see it come to fruition. While I know that at times people do not wish to hurt your feelings, I happen to know that it is easier to get your feelings hurt now rather than later. Because later it's not just your feelings that are hurt. It's your friendship, your trust, your very core in a way that cannot be soothed by words but that has been ruined by action.

So next time you think the grass is greener or find yourself having doubts, remember Zig's quote will you?

© 2009

A Day Like Any Other Would Still Make You Loved...

(You can blame Ashley for this…)

Tell me what comes to mind when you hear these words: Valentine’s Day. Hope, money, dinner, love, flowers, candy, loneliness, depression, rejection, fear?

Why is it that this holiday has the ability to bring so many different feelings to so many different people? As women, it is expected of us to have “someone” to spend it with. Moreover, people feel the need to openly ask why we don’t. This is preposterous to me! We select one day in which a person that loves us is to prove their love in public by making reservations at the right restaurant and showering us with public displays of affection? Are you serious?!

I’ve seen a great many women, unhappy and miserable in their marriages receive flowers on this day. These flowers were sent after much nagging and prodding by an uninterested husband who is equally unhappy. Yet I am supposed to feel bad? Why? Because I’m not miserable? Because I have no one to nag into sending me flowers? Because I prefer to not be delusional about the state of my relationship?

I don’t think so! And before you go around guessing: I have a wonderful caring man in my life. He shows me he loves me in many ways and has been known to send me flowers on dates such as December 13th (which is of no significant value in our love calendar). He tells me he loves me every day and every day I believe him. On February 14th of last year I had my first really nice Valentine ’s Day thanks to him. You know why? Because I gave up trying to live up to some expectation. Gave up thinking that my life had to look like a Hallmark card. A long time ago I realized this “holiday” was a gimmick and I decided to tell everyone that I care for how I felt for them. Because inevitably someone messes up somewhere during this day. The wrong flowers are sent, the chocolate has nuts and you’re allergic, the reservations were lost! Yet what do we tell everyone the next day? How wonderful it was and how special we felt! Delusional.

If you are not in a relationship, this is just another day. If you love people, share that love with them (and not just on 2/14)! It does not have to be someone from the opposite sex. I’ve been known to make candy bags and cards for the people I work with and to send cards of love to my friends near and far.

If this day is about love then it shouldn’t be about who sent you flowers or offered up his/her heart. It should be about reminding all of the people you love that they are special to you and secretly promising them that you’ll be sure to show them the other 364 days of the year.

© 2009