Thursday, December 11, 2008

This Is Who I Am Vol III

Questions on my mind returning back to the same topic as a dog returns to the same tree every time he’s walked around the block. Not sure I understand the situation. A million thoughts in my head day in and day out, a million ways that this could be played. What is going on? What is it that hasn’t been said? Word association would not turn out to be good, not sure what these words strung together really mean. Not sure if it makes sense. Don’t really care anymore. Giving up on giving a damn about who will read this in the future and what they will think of it. Why should I? I’ve realized that everyone has an opinion and as much as we like to think that it happens, for the most part opinions do not change. Opinions do not fluctuate. You are held accountable for every word spoken, every action ever taken. You. Because. No. One. Wants. To. Believe. You. Because ultimately you’d just be ruining their carefully laid out plans of how thing should be. And if you change then it means that something is wrong because they never do. So whatever you say becomes engraved in steel pored over with a glaze of ignorance and a spatter of color from your rage at never being able to live that down. Whatever it was. That phrase said in a moment of passion. That action taken as your heart desperately lurched forward because of fear or elation. That thing that you forgive in others, for you requires justification.

Understand that it’s just how the world works. How people get by with their shortcomings and lives. How they can put up with their husbands and deal with their wives. No free association for you as you speak your mind, your heart, your spirit your soul. Must always watch what you say, must always know your goal. Need to have intent to your words, relation to your actions. Lest someone interpret it as philosophical dissatisfaction.

Tired of playing the game especially from people that claim they do not know the rules. They’re the master player and then you turn out to be the fool. This is who I am. Wants and needs raw and cooked. Salty, sweet, available, booked. Severe and lax all in the same day. Innocent if you glance over, devious when you glance away. Perfect hostess, friend, sister, girlfriend, daughter, scholar. Naughty, sensual, devilish, scheming, priceless to the dollar. A complex being that you can’t claim to figure out. Changing always as I grow ‘cause that’s what I’m about.

Make your opinions, give me definition, form a picture in your head. One day you’ll turn and realize I’m alive while you are dead.

© 2008

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