He Is...

…the mouth I long to kiss
…the partner I sometimes miss
…the comforter at night
…the one for whom I’ll fight
…the giver of affection
…the man with no deception
…the prince that brings me peace
…the joker that puts me at ease
…the lover that makes me cry
…the person that’ll always try
…the boogey man slayer
…the answer to my prayer
…the surprise that makes my day
…the friend that knows the way
…the man to overshadow all others
…the thing I wished for if I had my druthers
…the one that’s meant to be
…the happily ever after for me

© 2009

Purpose

I do not hear from others what it is that they say
About the swell of my breasts or my hips
I really don’t care what they think in their heads
Or what words come from their lips

All I know is how I feel
Beautiful, stunning, loving and true
Whenever I look in the mirror
Now that my body is filled with you

I feel as if my body has found
Its purpose for walking this earth
To create another life within
And experience the beauty of birth

I do not need anyone to tell me
How big my belly’s become
Or how pretty I may look
After the changes have begun

It is a sweet secret I keep to myself
And it does not matter what others think
Because motherhood is a personal matter
And no one else is involved in this link.

© 2009

Girl Child

Loved you since the day you were created
Though at that time you were only a wish in my heart
Still can’t grasp that you are being weaved inside
And that in a few short months you and I will be apart

Girl child, the flesh and bone of my dreams
God’s very own image being nurtured from within
Girl child, beautiful and simple and sweet
How is it that you haven’t always been?

Melodic rhythm of my heart keeps you growing
You feed off of my soul and feast off of my inspiration
Twisting and turning as you reach your completion
And join the rest of God’s creation

Girl child, soft and smelling of my very own hope
Produced by nothing but love and grace
You are the miracle of my existence
I see the dreams from within on your face

Girl child, this bond of ours is like nothing I’ve known
Though I too am a daughter close to my mother
This somehow feels different to me
More precious than what I’ve felt for another

Love transformed in an instant
What you bring to this life is a force
It’s you and us against the world
While God steers us on this course

© 2009

This Is Who I am Vol V

I am changing
Still me but a different side
The same flesh and bone
But now with a different guide

I do not know how to explain
The quiet that I find solace in
The constant thoughts in my head
The reminiscing of where I’ve been

I am still getting acquainted
Find it hard to say what you want to hear
The waves of silence take over
Though all I want is to feel you near

I do not know where to go
What words will put you at ease
What actions I can take
For you to find what you please

This is who I am
Up and down
Happy and sad
Curious, suspicious
Loving and mad

Worried, concerned
Teary and frustrated
Wanting to be loved
Slowly recreated

Thoughtful, insightful
Incoherent and meek
Trying to find answers
Which you also seek

Grief stricken at losses
So long ago felt
Prayerful and hopeful
With the cards I was dealt

Misunderstood
And trying to repair
What hasn’t been broken
Though it isn’t fair

Elated with blessings
Expectant of more
Wanting to connect
With what I do adore

Stressed and mindful
Of life’s daily tasks
Wishing for a break
Which this time now lacks

Filled with new wonder
Melancholy with fears
A witness to miracles
And well-deserved tears

I am all these things
Bottled up in one place
You’ll see it’s the truth
If you just look in my face

 2009

Love Volume I

There have been no words dedicated to you
No poem to tell you how I feel
No volumes explaining this journey
No verse to make this magic real

It has taken me 10 weeks of thinking
And feeling guilty at not working my craft
All it took was a few minutes before dawn
And at the simplicity I just laughed

Saved up deep in my heart
Was this wish I couldn’t speak
Although mothering’s apparent
The force of it had made me weak

Years have passed where I have questioned
Whether I’d ever see this day
To stand before a mirror
And see things look a different way

But here I am after all this time
Feeling a flutter as I laid still
Amazed and humbled by the thought
That all that matters is God’s will

You were made in perfect calm
With assurances of love and dedication
Without the stresses of daily life
We ended up with a perfect creation

I’m overwhelmed with feelings of joy
As God looked down and smiled
At the moment that my life forever changed
When I finally felt my child

© 2009

The Business of Relationships

Okay this has been a long time coming. I think I started this one a while ago and decided it wasn’t ready to be put out yet. I’ve had a great many conversation with some of you about this and have been threatening to put something formal together but alas, have never found the time. This new year is bringing me a few sane (well, I’ll let you be the judge) moments in order to jot this down.

The topic - relationships: long-term, committed relationships, engagements, marriage, etc. whatever your definition of “that” may be. I’ll use the word marriage in the rest of the blog in order to avoid confusion regarding “commitment”, “loyalty” and “faithfulness” as I know some don’t entertain those words unless it involves the word marriage as well. So here we go. Marriage is a business. As with any business, there are components and parts to it. Both simple and complicated. More specifically, marriage is a merger. If you know anything about business you know that when two companies merge, there’s a lot of “hashing” out that takes place prior to the final papers being signed. By that I mean that you have two entirely separate companies with a different set of assets, work environment, location, deficiencies and goods. These two companies see fit to become one due to an overwhelming amount of the stated resources listed above being compatible and after an analysis of both companies, the merger is decided upon when it is determined that this will improve both companies in the long run. There is no emotion into this. There is no “feelings” other than the management’s gut determining the viability of the merger. Obviously the research on both companies doesn’t get done unless someone says “hey, I have a good feeling about ABC company. We should look and see if we can merge”. That kicks things off and from then on, its numbers, analysis and determinations.

Too often, relationships forget that. I’m not saying you don’t need love. But, not being able to “hash” out the business end of a relationship will ensure that even where there are vast amounts of love, the merger will not work. Love is necessary, it is the “gut” feeling I speak of above regarding the initial move to begin the merger. I don’t need to tell you that many a time, as the song says, sometimes love just ain’t enough. So we pick up there. This discussion is solely the thoughts and feelings of the author so, I apologize if it doesn’t meet with statistics or specifics to your case. Feel free to comment and give me your thoughts.

Now there are a ton of things in a relationship that you can compromise on. This compromising process is ongoing throughout the life of your relationship. You must remain open to that idea right from day one. Marriage is also very hard work! Consider the two companies again, do you think that they just go about their business after signing the paperwork? No! They work at the merger, they tend to it, hold more meetings than normal and only when a certain plateau is reached does the new company settle in. There is still work that gets done, hard work. Long days depending on the season and more good days than bad if it was a good merger. But there are also things that must be hashed out prior to any commitments being made. I believe in the 5 F’s for marriage:

1. Faith
2. Family
3. Finance
4. Friendship
5. I’ll leave the last one up to your imagination

By the way, these aren’t listed in any particular order. I’ll take these one by one:

Faith. I’m going to use myself in these examples because, well, I know me best. I believe that the family that prays together stays together. I have a strong sense of faith due to my own experiences and God’s grace in my life. Therefore, in order to have a successful “merger” you must be on the same plane as your partner on this topic. I, for example, cannot be involved with an atheist. I know that, that’s not something I can compromise on no matter how nice the other person is.

Family. To me, it’s one of the most important things in my life. I am close to mine. Love it, can’t do without it. I therefore, cannot possibly be with someone that doesn’t think of family in this same way. This also includes the family that we will build. I, for example, could never be with someone that doesn’t want children. I can’t compromise on that.

Finance. Some ridiculous statistic names finances as the number one reason for divorce. So needless to say, all cards must be put down on the table in order to make things work. If you marry someone not knowing their financial situation you might find yourself highly frustrated as you try to build something later on. That’s not to say that your situation will discount you now. This simply means that knowing up front will allow the two of you to put together a sound game plan for the future.

Friendship. This encompasses a couple of issues. The friendship between the two of you. Your partner must be your best friend. The person you call when you stub your toe and even the person you call when he/she upsets you. If they don’t know, they’ll never be able to fix it, right? Also, this includes the friendships you have outside of the relationships. The friends of opposite sex, the ex’s, etc. A clear understanding of expectation and needs must be discussed otherwise, there will be a lot of painful moments as each learns the other’s nuances, restrictions and expectations. This is VERY important because the people around you could possibly hinder your relationship without even knowing it. At the same time those same people could boost your relationship. It all depends on how this is handled.

The last F. There needs to be an understanding, thorough and concise regarding this topic. Compatibility is essential and if it is not there, with time, it will corrode away the core of a relationship. Good sex will make you apologize for something you didn’t do (he he). It will be there even when you are mad (and maybe ease some of the tension between the two). If you don’t like it and your partner does, it will be a problem no matter how much you love each other. It’s the little (and sometimes the not so little) things that tend to come to mind when you are upset, angry or not liking each other. Something as simple as this could ease a world of tension if you’re on the same page.

Last and certainly not least: you will not always like that person. You will hate them sometimes. They will get on your nerves. You’re going to look over and think: what the hell was I thinking?! How can I be with someone that I detest so much right now? The key is this: if you’re in it for the long haul, really in it, if you understand that you will be together for the rest of your lives (whether you like it or not – smile) there will be no problem that you won’t be able to conquer. You must of course respect, honor and cherish one another (and the rest of that vow we’ve all heard at weddings). Mergers don’t go into it thinking that they might “unmerge” later. Want to know why? They’ve gone through all of the required documentation and compromised on what they felt was “compromise-able”, discussed all points calmly and without prejudice. If you take the love out of a relationship (for the purposes of conducting the “business” only, it needs to be put back in after all is talked through in order for true happiness), sit down and do the same you will find that what you build will be strong enough to last a lifetime. Then and only then will love be enough.

 2008

This Is Who I Am Vol IV

I want to hide my heart til it’s decided where exactly it will land
I want to hide my feelings far away from the grasping of your hand

I want to hide the passing time and the crevice that slowly forms
I want to shield you from the people that attempt to give you norms

I want to hide my voice so that there is no more to tell
I want to cover up my ears so that I don’t hear my yell

I want to hide from the voice I hear that sounds completely sane
As if everything’s alright when nothing really feels the same

I want to hide the need to care for someone that I love so much
I want to numb myself to the cravings that my skin feels for your touch

I want to make myself invisible to the eyes that I can’t see
I want to hide from the stares that impede you from seeing me

I want to hide the laughter that has suddenly been lost
I want to not remember what I got for such a cost

I want to hide the tears that gather in the realms of slow despair
I want to drown myself in sorrow just in case there’s no repair

I want to bury my emotions and go about along the way
I want to not want to hide, to feel the warmth of a new day

I want to hide the thoughts that creep in the silence of the night
I want to brush away your doubts and what seems to cause you fright

I want to smother the hidden feelings and hide behind the wall
Create some safety, illusion, daydream while preparing for the fall

And at the same time that I'm hiding I feel the need to give a damn
To stand tall as a reminder that This Is Who I Am.

© 2009

I Still Remember

Almost a year has gone by
Since we were blessed with your presence
Yet we know because of you
What life means, at its essence

I still remember…
The picture of you in the womb
The happiness I felt when I heard existed
The love instantaneous and pure
The heartstrings that pulled and insisted

I still remember…
The appointments and updates
The tiredness and the cravings
The excitement in the air
The planning and the savings

I still remember…
The news of your early arrival
The prayers that went up in your name
The knowledge of the path before you
The feeling things wouldn’t be the same

I still remember…
The drive I took down to see you
And telling myself you’d be fine
Comforting your mom as I could
The feeling that you’re also mine

I still remember…
Washing my hands and preparing
To walk in to see your cocoon
Smiling and praying at the same time
Thinking of the book Goodnight Moon

I still remember…
On that last day a week after your birth
Being blessed to touch your little thigh
Then the feeling of guilt that I’d touched you
And saying goodbye with a sigh

I still remember…
My heart sinking low in rejection
Of hearing that you’d gone from us
No big call, no hoopla, no fighting
You’d left without making a fuss

I still remember…
Your head full of hair
The look on your face
The feel of your skin
The blessings and grace

The smirk that was captured
The soul that I saw
The perfection within
No mishap, no flaw

The heartbreaker embodied
The truth that you brought
As little as you were
You breathed and you fought

The fact that you died
So your sister could thrive
I feel you’re the reason
That she will survive

The love that you brought us
The pain that we feel
The tears I still shed
And don’t care to conceal

I still feel your presence
My sweet little boy
Through the pain in my heart
I vow to feel joy

I will always remember
I will never forget
My dearest Antonio
I am blessed that we met

© 2009

Believer's Prayer

Never a dull moment in life. Blessings received along with the strife. Cannot complain about what to do or what to say. Always find myself down the right way. Being led by something higher than my own, God always holds my hand even when I think I'm grown. Ask for prayers and prayers are received. Even when I stumble, in my heart I have believed.

Prayed for a specific, for a secret deep in my heart. Delivered with a flourish in whole and not in part. Adversities come to mind, sorrows and regrets. But one look at my God and all this I soon forget. Turning to Him now to get me through the path He's placed. Have faith He'll keep His promise and light the road to the dreams I've chased. Though my heart still fills with fears when something starts to go wrong, my God reminds me quietly He'll keep his promise while I keep strong.

© 2008

Loved

In the midst of the night I am loved
Wholly, fully, truthfully and sure
In the breaking of dawn I find happiness
With words of truth that will endure

In the waking of the sun I see your face
Dark and lovely full of all that I seek
In the moisture of the dew I see our future
And the promise of that image makes me weak

In the rising of the heat I see the passion
That’s been there like magnets from the day we met
The way we go together, the way we fit
The connection we make, hard to forget

In the cooling of the shade I see your tenderness
And your willingness and need to care for me
In the quiet of afternoon my guard is down
Naked is my soul for you to see

In the time before the sunset my heart feels fear
Remembering the heartache it’s lived to tell
With eyes closed and perspiration
I quench the need to run and yell

In the minutes of beauty watching the sky
Your arms wrap around me and ease my fear
No need to run no need to hide
Your kiss reminds me you’re always here

In the enveloping darkness I think once more
Of the passing day and the ways I’m adored
Without realizing what you’ve accomplished
The love and the trust you have restored

The midst, the dawn, the sun, the heat
The cool, the setting, the shade, the beat

The beauty, the darkness, the fear, the trust
The passion, the happiness, the heartache, the lust

I am loved, blessed and treasured
And that wealth cannot be measured.

© 2009

Untitled Thoughts

It is not that I lack understanding, rather, I understand a bit too well
That good intentions and vacillations pave the road that leads to hell

It is not that I don’t see the love you feel deep within your heart
Rather that I see the provocations when you and I have been apart

It is not that I am insecure or think myself less than another
But I’ve lived long enough to see what unhappiness can surely smother

It is not that I am beyond comprehending the situation
More like I have seen the silent killer called temptation

It is not that I am blind to you being in demand
I see the value within yourself that you don’t yet understand

Not trying to turn you into something that you do not want to be
Just working with the secret wishes that you have whispered to me

And yet, I see resistance in your actions if not in your voice
Don’t ever want you to feel as if you never had a choice

I also see a secret thought in the blankness of your stare
I am familiar with its figure even though you will not share

It is the silhouette of thoughts being shared by another mind
Who is unhappy and subjective and at times a bit unkind

The seed of doubt being cultivated in the echoes of your thought
Killing all the flowers in your garden after all that you have fought

The trembling hand of negativity creeping in to do its deed
The souls too jealous to admit it and you too blind to see the greed

Upset that another has your ear and can affect the man I know
Not understanding why you’ve allowed this chasm between us to grow

Thought it was us, just you and me fighting the fight and always living
Fear now fills my heart as I take a look at what I’ve been giving…

My heart without expectation other than it be loved and cared
For the first time in a while, I do believe I’m truly scared

So I fight to keep the dream alive as all this slowly unfurled
Questioning now if you believe that it is us against the world

It is not that I wish to leave this soul I always knew I’d find
Just unsure if my love’s enough to be the only in his mind

© 2009

Gone

Unwanted
Rejected
Unneeded
Neglected

Looked after
Perceived
And slowly
Deceived

Others get the looks
The words and the touch
While I slowly wither
And miss you so much

Confused
Upset
Filled with
Regret

Missing
A big clue
Expecting
My due

Here with me
Yet gone
I’m not blind
You’ve withdrawn

© 2009
(Written, January '09)

What you want most...

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now." - Zig Ziglar

Why is it that people trade in what they want most for what they want now? I think most of us understand this because we've either experienced it or have been on the receiving end of this quote. So what can you do to ensure this doesn't happen to you? Nothing.

You can guard your own mind and your own heart to ensure that you never fall into this trap. However, there's no way that you can prevent others from falling into it themselves. Because you can't make people see what they have. And most times, they figure it out too late. Personally, I'm apt to never give a person a chance once they've traded me in for what they thought they wanted. It gives them a character flaw that I can't bear. Scars them for life in my eyes and in an irreparable way.

I am very aware of when I find something or someone precious. And I expect those around me to be able to do the same. I'm not saying I'm this great and wonderful person. I have flaws as everyone does. But the fact that I've seen this mistake made on more than one occasion makes me put the question out there. WHY?

I am a firm believer in "everything comes out in the wash". And if you are not, sit back and wait, believe me you'll see it come to fruition. While I know that at times people do not wish to hurt your feelings, I happen to know that it is easier to get your feelings hurt now rather than later. Because later it's not just your feelings that are hurt. It's your friendship, your trust, your very core in a way that cannot be soothed by words but that has been ruined by action.

So next time you think the grass is greener or find yourself having doubts, remember Zig's quote will you?

© 2009

A Day Like Any Other Would Still Make You Loved...

(You can blame Ashley for this…)

Tell me what comes to mind when you hear these words: Valentine’s Day. Hope, money, dinner, love, flowers, candy, loneliness, depression, rejection, fear?

Why is it that this holiday has the ability to bring so many different feelings to so many different people? As women, it is expected of us to have “someone” to spend it with. Moreover, people feel the need to openly ask why we don’t. This is preposterous to me! We select one day in which a person that loves us is to prove their love in public by making reservations at the right restaurant and showering us with public displays of affection? Are you serious?!

I’ve seen a great many women, unhappy and miserable in their marriages receive flowers on this day. These flowers were sent after much nagging and prodding by an uninterested husband who is equally unhappy. Yet I am supposed to feel bad? Why? Because I’m not miserable? Because I have no one to nag into sending me flowers? Because I prefer to not be delusional about the state of my relationship?

I don’t think so! And before you go around guessing: I have a wonderful caring man in my life. He shows me he loves me in many ways and has been known to send me flowers on dates such as December 13th (which is of no significant value in our love calendar). He tells me he loves me every day and every day I believe him. On February 14th of last year I had my first really nice Valentine ’s Day thanks to him. You know why? Because I gave up trying to live up to some expectation. Gave up thinking that my life had to look like a Hallmark card. A long time ago I realized this “holiday” was a gimmick and I decided to tell everyone that I care for how I felt for them. Because inevitably someone messes up somewhere during this day. The wrong flowers are sent, the chocolate has nuts and you’re allergic, the reservations were lost! Yet what do we tell everyone the next day? How wonderful it was and how special we felt! Delusional.

If you are not in a relationship, this is just another day. If you love people, share that love with them (and not just on 2/14)! It does not have to be someone from the opposite sex. I’ve been known to make candy bags and cards for the people I work with and to send cards of love to my friends near and far.

If this day is about love then it shouldn’t be about who sent you flowers or offered up his/her heart. It should be about reminding all of the people you love that they are special to you and secretly promising them that you’ll be sure to show them the other 364 days of the year.

© 2009

The Rollins Crew...

As I witnessed this wonderful event today, thoughts tired me out. I reached out to what I consider my family, after all these years, and new thoughts entered my mind. This past Monday I had the opportunity to run into some Rollins College Students and as some of the ladies told me (though I'm not sure how they know this), it's still the same.

And you know what? I hope that's the case. As I prepare to be in Paul's wedding: Paul, who became my big brother freshman year and taught me the nuances of stress massages (thanks for volunteering Amir) and Star Trek Next Generation. As I call Robiaun in the middle of the day to get a word of advice: Robi, who pulled me in to her arms on that Fall day in 1992 while I walked around Mills Lawn stopping at the tables filled with activities and information. As I harass Ixchelle (apparently now that she's grown up she's no longer Shelley!) about sending me baby pictures: Shelley who I talked into getting a tattoo with me on October 27th, 1994, so that I wouldn't do it on my own. I can go on and on and on. All this to say, I hope that things are still the same.

We always speak of reconnecting. Always remember how things were for us day in and day out on a campus where we felt so isolated. But most importantly, most of us are still connected, forever. Through marriages, births, deaths and everything else in between. Because we will forever be the Rollins Crew...

© 2009

As I Watch

As I watch, I am in awe
As I watch, I am inspired
As I watch, I cannot believe
How succinctly life’s conspired

Words cannot describe this feeling
I do not know what I can say
To capture this moment in time
For my children to read one day

The anticipation growing in my heart
Feels as if it’s more than I can bear
History in the making, hope and pride
Acknowledgement that life is fair

And it is not about the color
Religion, race or creed
It’s about an assurance of better
And working for what we need

It is about my children having a world
Where anything is possible if they try
Though there are struggles left to conquer
These same rivers they will not cry

It is about uniting a country
That for so long has seemed so lost
Though we still have bridges to cross
It will be at a lesser cost

As I watch, I am in tears
As I watch, I surely pray
As I watch, God watches also
As He’s prepared us for this day.

© 2009